Every Day is an Alleluia




From my morning journal:

Every day is a desperate race to accomplish as much as I can before the drowsiness starts. It comes over my eyes, heavy, humid, and thick, with the same “oh no” of dread that used to come when I was young and migraines began to dawn—first with the aura & blurred visions. Then with the pain.

My eyelids are cement. 

I am going through some hard times with this body of mine. Exhaustion. Debilitating fatigue, even after doing nothing. Trying to get answers and trying to endure the daily darkening of tiredness that drives me to bed every few hours because I literally cannot keep my eyes open. 

Today, with the tears again. One more day when dishes and dinner is about all I’ve got. And the guilt nips at my heels even as my heart knows what is true, that I am loved for who I am, not for what I do, or what I accomplish, or how much money I make, or how much weight I lose.

I tried to hold this off. I tried to smile brightly and keep pushing on. I made more promises…opening soon! I can’t wait! But the truth is, I don’t know when those doors will open because by ten am, sometimes eleven, I am in my first nap of the day because I can barely see through these weary eyes. 

Life is taking some adjustment right now. Testings, diet experiments, surviving. Finding new ways of being and learning that yes, this too is grace. Because it drives me to my knees and keeps me there, maybe because I’m too tired to stand up again but really because its a lifeline I’m holding onto like a rope through a coal mine when my light has gone out.

I don’t know how to put this in prettier words. But when health moseys up and plants a big ol’ thumb on the pause button of your life, priorities shift quick. Messy tears and messy prayers are happening daily. But you know what…mercy is, too. I’m actually alive right now, and that feels like a miracle. The fatigue I’m battling makes me feel tired to death. I don’t say that lightly. I don’t remember what it feels like to have energy, and I should have given more attention to this before.

I believe this season is a blend of my own unique body stories, diet & wellness needs, and spiritual warfare (my prayer warrior-sisters will understand) and some simple reaping-what-I’ve-sown through past imbalance and lack of care. I spent the first twenty-plus years of my life in a seething hatred of my body and myself, and when I finally began to heal through truth and tenderness, I wasn’t always balanced. Once I learned how to make peace with the body I have, the past few years brought many wiser choices for myself but I think some of my former years are catching up to me. 

And so all of that is what I’m facing now. 

I wanted to write this personal little update because I am blessed by so many who are curious about my quietness. I am well, so well in my heart and soul. I have a good, good Father whose lovingkindness sustains me, all of me…body, heart and spirit. Due to debilitating fatigue right now I am moving forward very slowly, focusing attention on wellness and hoping for some breakthroughs soon…but whether I am well or not, whether I have strength or not, whether I am accomplishing anything or not, I raise prayers and praise to the Holy One. Because every day is an alleluia.